A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a p
I'm moving to Mars next week so if you have any bo
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to have to
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a sma
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of mo
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking but I don't
I went to the museum where they had all the heads
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at an
I went to this restaurant last night that was set
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells
I went to a general store. They wouldnt let me bu
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that sai
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. Wh
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salesp
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it wa
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buyi
There was a power outage at a department store yes
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidi
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanen
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote c
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He sa
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be
Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person s
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I pu
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The peopl
All of the people in my building are insane. The
While I was gone somebody rearranged on the furnit
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of th
One time the power went out in my house and I had
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The oth
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static el
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I do
I went to the hardware store and bought some used
My house is made out of balsa wood so when I want
The other night I came home late and tried to unlo
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopt
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my b
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe li
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is
my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sou
I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking that if
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tir
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You cou
I have an answering machine in my car. It says I'
Last year we drove across the country. We switche
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said Why were y
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop s
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus
The judge asked What do you plead? I said Insanit
When I get real bored I like to drive downtown and
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...whe
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wanderin
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks so
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette b
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He w
There's a fine line between fishing and standing o
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had l
The other day I was walking my dog around my build
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution you're part of
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myse
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to dro
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd
When I was little my grandfather used to make me s
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I g
When I was a kid I went to the store and asked the
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was
When I was five years old I was on a merry go roun
When I was eight I played Little League. I was on
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't g
My school colors were clear. We used to say I'm n
When I have a kid I want to buy one of those strol
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noise
You know how it is when you're reading a book and
Well you know when you're rocking in a rocking cha
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the sa
I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other
If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parenthes
Four years ago...no it was yesterday.
Today I...No that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...No I don't.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bu
I was going to commit suicide the other day but I
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all sta
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers don
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
After they make styrofoam what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the tim
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't th
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to w
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive but only
I saw a tree fall in the woods and I didn't hear i
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud off of mud.
I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime would you use a
My VCR flashes 01:35 01:35 01:35 ...
So do you live around here often?
Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit I
One day I got on the usual bus and when I stepped
I got into an elevator at work and this man follow
The other day when I was walking through the woods
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill cam
The Stones I love the Stones. I watch them whenev
I like to fill my tub up with water then turn the
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is it'
I have two very rare photographs. One is a pictur
I have the world's largest collection of seashells
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed gl
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo
I filled out an application that said In Case Of E
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropol
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he mad
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot car
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died all
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't kno
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlf
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be
The sun got confused about daylight savings time.
I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't k
When I was crossing the border into Canada they as
Some people think George is weird because he has s
George is a radio announcer and when he walks unde
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats al
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said help wante
Every so often I like to go to the window look up
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired becaus
In Vegas I got into a long argument with the man a
I have a map of the United States...actual size.
Do you think that when they asked George Washingto
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to rou
This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags t
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old g
I owed my friend George $25. For about three week
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and s
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almos
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mista
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
Back to Categories
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a p
I'm moving to Mars next week so if you have any bo
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to have to
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a sma
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of mo
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking but I don't
I went to the museum where they had all the heads
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at an
I went to this restaurant last night that was set
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells
I went to a general store. They wouldnt let me bu
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that sai
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. Wh
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salesp
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it wa
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buyi
There was a power outage at a department store yes
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidi
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanen
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote c
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He sa
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be
Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person s
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I pu
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost.
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The peopl
All of the people in my building are insane. The
While I was gone somebody rearranged on the furnit
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of th
One time the power went out in my house and I had
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The oth
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static el
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I do
I went to the hardware store and bought some used
My house is made out of balsa wood so when I want
The other night I came home late and tried to unlo
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopt
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my b
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe li
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is
my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sou
I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking that if
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tir
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You cou
I have an answering machine in my car. It says I'
Last year we drove across the country. We switche
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said Why were y
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop s
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus
The judge asked What do you plead? I said Insanit
When I get real bored I like to drive downtown and
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...whe
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me
I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wanderin
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks so
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette b
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He w
There's a fine line between fishing and standing o
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had l
The other day I was walking my dog around my build
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution you're part of
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myse
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to dro
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd
When I was little my grandfather used to make me s
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I g
When I was a kid I went to the store and asked the
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was
When I was five years old I was on a merry go roun
When I was eight I played Little League. I was on
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't g
My school colors were clear. We used to say I'm n
When I have a kid I want to buy one of those strol
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noise
You know how it is when you're reading a book and
Well you know when you're rocking in a rocking cha
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the sa
I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other
If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parenthes
Four years ago...no it was yesterday.
Today I...No that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...No I don't.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bu
I was going to commit suicide the other day but I
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all sta
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers don
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
After they make styrofoam what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the tim
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't th
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to w
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive but only
I saw a tree fall in the woods and I didn't hear i
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud off of mud.
I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime would you use a
My VCR flashes 01:35 01:35 01:35 ...
So do you live around here often?
Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit I
One day I got on the usual bus and when I stepped
I got into an elevator at work and this man follow
The other day when I was walking through the woods
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill cam
The Stones I love the Stones. I watch them whenev
I like to fill my tub up with water then turn the
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is it'
I have two very rare photographs. One is a pictur
I have the world's largest collection of seashells
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed gl
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo
I filled out an application that said In Case Of E
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropol
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he mad
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot car
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died all
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't kno
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlf
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be
The sun got confused about daylight savings time.
I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't k
When I was crossing the border into Canada they as
Some people think George is weird because he has s
George is a radio announcer and when he walks unde
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats al
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said help wante
Every so often I like to go to the window look up
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired becaus
In Vegas I got into a long argument with the man a
I have a map of the United States...actual size.
Do you think that when they asked George Washingto
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to rou
This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags t
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old g
I owed my friend George $25. For about three week
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and s
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almos
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mista
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
Back to Categories
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said Wish you were here.
- Stephen Wright
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I'm moving to Mars next week so if you have any boxes...
- Stephen Wright
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It's a small world but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- Stephen Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Stephen Wright
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said What for? I said I'm going to buy some sugar.
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking but I don't have that much time.
- Stephen Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- Stephen Wright
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...
- Stephen Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
- Stephen Wright
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There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
- Stephen Wright
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I went to a general store. They wouldnt let me buy anything specifically.
- Stephen Wright
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I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me. If I melt dry ice can I take a bath without getting wet?
- Stephen Wright
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I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said ten-four
- Stephen Wright
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I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.
- Stephen Wright
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there the guy was locking the front door. I said Hey the sign says youre open 24 hours. He said Yes but not in a row.
- Stephen Wright
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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me and I say Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need and I say Extra medium.
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said It's free with purchase. I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
- Stephen Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- Stephen Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Stephen Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- Stephen Wright
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Stephen Wright
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
- Stephen Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
- Stephen Wright
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said Stephen why haven't you called me? I said I can't call everyone I want. My newphone has no five on it. He said How long have you had it? I said I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.
- Stephen Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
- Stephen Wright
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Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said Hello? and I said Hello could I speak to Joey? ...They said Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old. I said I'll wait.
- Stephen Wright
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store - Gimme nother ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday.
- Stephen Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
- Stephen Wright
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I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
- Stephen Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said Give me all of the money in the vault or I'm marking down everything in the store.
- Stephen Wright
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While I was gone somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in EXACTLY the same place it was. When I told my roommate he said: Do I know you?
- Stephen Wright
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said Cut it out.
- Stephen Wright
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Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say Go ahead touch it...it feels real.
- Stephen Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
- Stephen Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
- Stephen Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
- Stephen Wright
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I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
- Stephen Wright
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
- Stephen Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- Stephen Wright
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I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- Stephen Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
- Stephen Wright
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The other night I came home late and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So I drove it around for a while. I was speeding and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said right here officer. Later I parked it on the freeway got out and yelled at all the cars Get out of my driveway!
- Stephen Wright
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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
- Stephen Wright
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For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)
- Stephen Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.
- Stephen Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- Stephen Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car but forgot to take the old one out. Now
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my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
- Stephen Wright
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I watched the Indy 500 and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- Stephen Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
- Stephen Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
- Stephen Wright
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Stephen Wright
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says I'm home now, But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Stephen Wright
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Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't remember what it was. I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
- Stephen Wright
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A cop stopped me for speeding. He said Why were you going so fast? I said See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.
- Stephen Wright
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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? Yes officer but I wasn't going to be out that long...
- Stephen Wright
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said Didn't you see the stop sign? I said Yeah but I don't believe everything I read.
- Stephen Wright
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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther trying to see it clearly)...and says Here you can go.
- Stephen Wright
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The judge asked What do you plead? I said Insanity your honour who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?
- Stephen Wright
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When I get real bored I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Stephen Wright
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
- Stephen Wright
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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said Steven time to go to sleep. I said But I don't know how. She said It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there and she said I thought I told you to go to sleep.
- Stephen Wright
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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- Stephen Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me Did you sleep good? I said No I made a few mistakes.
- Stephen Wright
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I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
- Stephen Wright
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One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
- Stephen Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- Stephen Wright
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I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks so I called Information. She said Hello Information. I said I can't find my socks. She said They're behind the couch. And they were!
- Stephen Wright
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I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said Hey you have two different colored socks on. I said Yeah I know but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.
- Stephen Wright
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I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- Stephen Wright
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I was going to tape some records onto a cassette but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend he said Hey these records are all blank.
- Stephen Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- Stephen Wright
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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
- Stephen Wright
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I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...Come here Stay! Come here Stay! He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- Stephen Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- Stephen Wright
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The other day I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.
- Stephen Wright
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I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
- Stephen Wright
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If you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.
- Stephen Wright
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(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H one part O. I don't trust anybody!
- Stephen Wright
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...
- Stephen Wright
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I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.
- Stephen Wright
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I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house I go out through the window.
- Stephen Wright
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When I was little my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- Stephen Wright
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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
- Stephen Wright
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When I was a kid I went to the store and asked the guy Do you have any toy train schedules?
- Stephen Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
- Stephen Wright
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When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
- Stephen Wright
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When I was eight I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
- Stephen Wright
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I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
- Stephen Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
- Stephen Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say I'm not naked I'm in the band.
- Stephen Wright
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When I have a kid I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around looking frantic. When he gets older I'd tell him he used to have a brother but he didn't obey.
- Stephen Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!
- Stephen Wright
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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Stephen Wright
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep you're reading reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
- Stephen Wright
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Well you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
- Stephen Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
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I've forgotten this before.
- Stephen Wright
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Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
- Stephen Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
- Stephen Wright
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If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parentheses.
- Stephen Wright
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Four years ago...no it was yesterday.
- Stephen Wright
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Today I...No that wasn't me.
- Stephen Wright
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Sometimes I...No I don't.
- Stephen Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said See that's how it's done.
- Stephen Wright
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I was going to commit suicide the other day but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
- Stephen Wright
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Stephen Wright
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Stephen Wright
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Stephen Wright
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My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well to make a long story short...
- Stephen Wright
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- Stephen Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- Stephen Wright
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I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
- Stephen Wright
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After they make styrofoam what do they ship it in?
- Stephen Wright
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Stephen Wright
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I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
- Stephen Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- Stephen Wright
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I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
- Stephen Wright
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I lost a button hole today.
- Stephen Wright
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I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive but only for a second.
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a tree fall in the woods and I didn't hear it.
- Stephen Wright
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I took a baby shower.
- Stephen Wright
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I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- Stephen Wright
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I was skydiving horizontally.
- Stephen Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
- Stephen Wright
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I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)
- Stephen Wright
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If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?
- Stephen Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime would you use a silencer?
- Stephen Wright
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My VCR flashes 01:35 01:35 01:35 ...
- Stephen Wright
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So do you live around here often?
- Stephen Wright
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Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.
- Stephen Wright
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- Stephen Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
- Stephen Wright
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One day I got on the usual bus and when I stepped in I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said Hi and she said Hi and then I said Nice day isn't it? and she said I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem. So I asked What's the problem? She replied I can't tell you. I don't even know you... I said Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus. So she said Well my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way my name is Denise. I said Hello Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein...
- Stephen Wright
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I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed 1 and he just stood there...I said Hi where you going? He said Phoenix. So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said You know you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with. We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said You get it. I picked it up and said Hello?...The other side said Is this Steven Wright?...I said Yes... The guy said Hi I'm Mr. Jones the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money? I said Mr. Jones I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again.
- Stephen Wright
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The other day when I was walking through the woods I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
- Stephen Wright
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I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy were they mad!
- Stephen Wright
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The Stones I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred & Barney...
- Stephen Wright
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I like to fill my tub up with water then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
- Stephen Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is it's always room temperature.
- Stephen Wright
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I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
- Stephen Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
- Stephen Wright
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I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So I got some flip-up contact lenses.
- Stephen Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
- Stephen Wright
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I filled out an application that said In Case Of Emergency Notify. I wrote Doctor...What's my mother going to do?
- Stephen Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
- Stephen Wright
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He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
- Stephen Wright
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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- Stephen Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and...ooooohhhhhh that's much better...
- Stephen Wright
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Stephen Wright
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My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
- Stephen Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
- Stephen Wright
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My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.
- Stephen Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
- Stephen Wright
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I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say I think I might have written that.
- Stephen Wright
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When I was crossing the border into Canada they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said Well what do you need?
- Stephen Wright
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Some people think George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird because he has false teeth. with braces on them.
- Stephen Wright
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George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.
- Stephen Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Stephen Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said help wanted. There was another sign below it that said self service. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
- Stephen Wright
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Every so often I like to go to the window look up and smile for a satellite picture.
- Stephen Wright
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I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
- Stephen Wright
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In Vegas I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- Stephen Wright
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I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile. I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
- Stephen Wright
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Stephen Wright
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I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2 taller.
- Stephen Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
- Stephen Wright
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This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the floor then lifts it)...gutter...
- Stephen Wright
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
- Stephen Wright
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I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. Walking through New York City 2:30 in the morning we got held up. He said Gimme all your money. I said Wait a minute. I said George here's the 25 dollars I owe you. The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
- Stephen Wright
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I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights does anything happen? He said I don't know. I said I don't want your job.
- Stephen Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Stephen Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- Stephen Wright
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
- Stephen Wright
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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- Stephen Wright
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